All In My Head (First Tracks Book 1) Read online

  Nash and I raced to our room, and I picked up my clothes and walked into the bathroom to change. As I pulled off my wet bikini and hung it up in the shower, I heard Nash moving in the room, changing into dry clothes. I wrapped up in a plush towel, then laid a hand on the door, feeling so mixed up and split in two.

  I can tell you what the males in this group are thinking about.

  That doesn’t take a kindergarten degree! I laughed so suddenly I snorted.

  “Avery?” Nash said from the room.

  “I was thinking about out in the hot tub. That was pretty funny when Brandon threw that beer.” I started to change and realized that hadn’t been the nicest thing to say. Nash had looked prickly out in the hot tub, and that was without seeing Kyle grab me. I opened the door, planning to talk to him about it, but he was gone.

  Not the best idea anyway. Just my opinion. What are you going to say? He needs to man up if he wants to keep you.

  What is it with you men?

  With a sigh, I went upstairs to find Nash. He was squatted in front of the gas fire place in the living room, watching it burn. “Check this out.”

  We sat on the couch together and I pulled my feet up. He was warm, inviting me to sink into him. I closed my eyes as his fingers entwined in mine.

  This is what Marcus wanted with me. I tried to wrap my brain around that, and picture what it’d be like to be around someone like him. Did he really just jump into things? Do what he wanted in life? Go for it, every single time?

  Don’t you want to be with someone like that?

  My dad was like that.

  I know, Ave. And it scares you. He made a mistake and it cost him dearly. That doesn’t mean things will always end like that after you take a chance. Sometimes it’s worth the risk anyway.

  I don’t think like that.

  Yes, you do. You’re just scared shitless of it at the same time. We all are.

  “Avery?” Nash whispered. “Are you awake?”

  I mumbled into his chest, not wanting to admit to anything.

  “I think they’re back.”

  That didn’t make sense until the front door opened, filling the house with voices and the enticing scent of hot Chinese.

  “Ave?” He gave me a gentle shake this time. I sat up and rubbed my face.

  “I didn’t even know anyone left.” I looked at Nash and noticed a five o’clock shadow. He must have been shaving before our dates. It bothered me like a moving itch in the middle of my back, staying just out of reach.

  I got up and helped Kristina unpack the boxes, but my mind stayed on those whiskers.

  Don’t like a beard?

  That wasn’t it. In fact, I imagined Marcus with several days’ worth of growth. Long hair. Him and I had both seen that much of him. It looked good on him. He looked good.

  It wasn’t Nash’s five o’clock shadow. It was how I felt about him.

  Kyle and Brandon filled their plates, pausing to shovel big bites into their mouths. Kris and I shared a look, smiling. Hers was probably even genuine.

  “Nash, you’re missing out, man,” Brandon said around a mouthful of food. “And we’re not saving any!”

  Nash came over and stood across from me. From the way he looked at me, there must have been something telling in my expression. This weekend was going downhill fast.

  Awe, come on. We have the beach outside. The waves. Moonlight.

  And my friends and Nash to deal with.

  We ate around the counter, sitting on stools, drinking more beer and wine coolers. I sipped mine, trying to pace myself, while the others tried to get plastered. Except Nash. He poured a glass of water, evaporating my hopes that he might drink enough to fall into bed and go to sleep.

  What is wrong with me?

  “You don’t want a beer?” I asked him, lightheartedly I thought, but he just shook his head.

  Dawn looked in a little white bag and said, “Looks like we’re sharing fortunes. There’s only three cookies.”

  “That’s perfect.” Kristina reached over for one and cracked it open. “You will know much luck this year.” She shrugged.

  Dawn grabbed one, throwing a grin at Brandon before cracking the cookie open. “We will get married and have lots of babies and stay in love forever.”

  Kristina covered her smile, sneaking a sideways look at Brandon and then me. Her face turned pink like she was embarrassed for Dawn. When I glanced over, Brandon was red too, but I’m not sure I’d chalk it up to embarrassment. He took the fortune from her and read, “You will enjoy many travels.”

  Kinda the opposite of what she said.

  I had a mouth full of food and planned to swallow it before getting a fortune. Nash beat me to it. He broke the cookie, read the fortune silently before turning to me to read, “You will find favor with a friend.”

  “Ohhh!” Kristina and Dawn did a little dance as Nash leaned over and kissed my cheek. I played shy and looked down, overly aware of the cold way Kyle watched. Marcus would probably have the same look on his face, if I could see him.

  You have to see me to know I’d like to knock Nash’s teeth out?

  Wow, prickly.

  Nash ate half the cookie and handed me half. The normally sweet cookie felt stale on my tongue. Then we picked up, throwing the garbage away and stuffing the remaining food into the fridge. Everyone ended up around the fireplace in the living room. I cracked the window to let the ocean’s roar filter in.

  “We’ll have to do this out on the beach tomorrow night,” Kyle said with a nod toward the flames, then his gaze slid over to meet mine. I wanted to look away but didn’t for a second too long. I wouldn’t mind a fire on the beach either. It sounded romantic, even with my Nash-Marcus-Kyle dilemma.

  Honey, I think the problem is you can’t stand Kyle and don’t like Nash.

  And you’re stuck inside my head where I can’t touch you.

  “See you guys in the morning,” Brandon said, taking both of Dawn’s hands to pull her up before they walked toward the stairs together, hands already groping.

  I waved and felt a sinking feeling. I flicked a look at Nash, who was watching me.

  “Ready to go to bed?” he asked.

  No. “Okay.”

  We got up and headed downstairs, and I made a point of not looking at Kyle. It was my one victory for the night. Now I didn’t have to know if he was watching me with envious eyes, or actually looking at his girlfriend for a change, or glaring at Nash. I didn’t have to worry about him.

  I had to worry about Nash.

  You need to talk to him if you don’t like him, Ave.

  We weren’t even all the way into the room when Nash pulled me against him and kissed me. His lips were soft, and I kissed him back for a minute. Once the door clicked shut, I pulled back a little.

  “I’m going to hop in the shower,” I said. “I don’t like sleeping with chlorine skin.”

  “Okay.” He gave me a playful swat as I turned away. In the bathroom, I pulled my hair up, striped and jumped into the shower stream before it’d heated up.

  Wonder if a cold shower would turn this off.

  No. I didn’t think anything would calm the acute, physical ache growing inside me for Marcus. Even Nash’s touch made it worse because I kept thinking about Marcus. I felt dirty about it but and couldn’t stop.

  I want to stand here with you, hold you against me.

  I needed to get my mind off this. What if I got so turned on I couldn’t resist Nash? That sobered Marcus quick. I stood in the shower until the water cooled off again.

  I pulled on a shirt and pajama shorts, cracked the door and stepped out quietly. Nash’s shoring stopped me before I saw he was under the covers, sprawled out on his back. How on earth had he fallen asleep so fast?

  So fast? Well, for starters, you take showers like a girl. And then he’s a guy.

  I didn’t feel like getting into bed with him. What had started as a creeper thought built into a mountain. I didn’t like him that way anymore. Aft
er a long, bone tired sigh, I pulled on a sweatshirt, socks and my running shoes.

  Like how you’re thinking.

  I slipped out through the downstairs sliding door and walked out onto the beach. The moon hadn’t set yet but it was way over on the other side of the sky. Still, it cast silver light everywhere, glinting off the waves and giving the sand a soft, inviting look. The wind had died away, leaving the musical sound of the ocean to serenade me as I ran. The beach was mine. The world was mine.

  When are you going to tell him?

  Oh, shit. How can I do that to him on this trip? I invited him just yesterday and acted like I was into him.

  I picked up my pace, flying down the wet sand, racing the moon’s reflection on the water.

  It sucks but you have to be honest.

  “Who are you, Marcus? Why can’t we figure out where you actually are?” The wind carried my words off down the beach. I just kept running.

  That wouldn’t fix this problem right now.

  Yes, it actually would. If we found you, then I could tell him about all of this. I could I could explain things to him, and he’d believe me. He won’t believe me if I tell him.

  No, he’d be mad as hell that you had another guy on the side.

  I laughed, as best I could while running, which made me stumble. I just kept going, laughing and stumbling, running like a crazy drunk person down the beach.

  ***

  “How did all this sand get in here… Avery? Were you out on the beach this morning?”

  I rolled over and found Nash learning almost over me. I rubbed my face to find sand scratching my skin. He was right. It was in my hair, on my skin and dusted all over the sheet.

  “Wow, sorry. I went for a walk and didn’t think to shower afterwards.”

  Nash slid off the bed, pausing for a microsecond to give me a look before he grabbed his shirt off the nightstand. He pulled it on quickly and went in the bathroom.

  Looked a little mad there.

  Was he? I sorted through the signals and realized with a sudden clarity that I tend to over analyze things. Marcus saw it for what it was: a dirty look. Nash was mad that I’d taken such a long shower last night then made that comment.

  He sees the writing on the wall. Best to talk to him.

  Do you have to be so straightforward?

  Do I have two huevos?

  Okay, okay, I get it. Nash probably wants a straight answer too.

  The shower turned on. So much for talking to him now. I went upstairs to the half bath by the front door. When I came out, I found Kris and Dawn in the kitchen, ready for the day.

  “Did you guys get up at six or something?” I asked. Then I spotted the almost full coffee pot and added, “Not that I’m complaining.”

  Dawn stood in front of the open fridge, sighing. “I want to go out for breakfast. Screw the guys.”

  Kris looked my way. “They went running...” Eye roll here. “about two hours ago.”

  Running? I pictured them walking down the beach, talking smack and checking out girls, although there usually weren’t any bikini clad hotties running on the Oregon coast.

  I reached around Dawn for the milk. We sipped coffee and watched the waves, waiting on Nash to come upstairs. Well, they were waiting and I was procrastinating. I glanced at Kris and pictured the hurt I’d inflict when we talked.

  Might as well get one talk over with, and Nash had to be done by now. I rinsed up cup, regretting the coffee now souring in my stomach, and went downstairs.

  The curtains were slightly parted, allowing only a splinter of light to shine across the room. The rest of the space looked dark in comparison. Nash had already left, apparently out into the beach. I sat on the bed for a minute, homesick. My room had become my sanctuary—it was mine, not a room in someone else’s house but my own space. I had it just the way I liked it. And right now, I wanted to curl up on my bed and put off all these talks until tomorrow.

  But it wasn’t going to work that way, so I put on my big girl panties—figuratively—and took a shower. I was out and dressed when I thanked Marcus for giving me space to think.

  Quiet but not gone.

  Silently spying, you mean?

  I got a laugh over that. Marcus called it silently admiring. If only Nash could be a little more lighthearted like Marcus.

  “Ave?” Dawn yelled to me from partway down the stairs. I opened the door, my hair still a mess, to find her standing there. “Everyone’s here. We’re getting breakfast. And I’m starving!”

  “Kay… coming.” I glanced in the mirror and gave myself a look of horror, then pulled my mostly wet hair back into a pony tail and called it good. If Nash was giving me the cold shoulder anyway, it didn’t seem to matter.

  You shouldn’t have to dress up for him to like you.

  I pushed some extra hop into my step as I came up the stairs. Kyle, Kris, Brandon, and Dawn looked natural, like they were all joking around together. Nash stood a couple of steps back, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders curled forward, watching them. His gaze swung over to me, looking much warmer toward me. Maybe even hopeful. I smiled. Maybe we could just make it until we went home tomorrow.

  Avery…

  You just want him out the picture.

  Effing A! You did too, a few seconds ago.

  ***

  Early that evening, I was standing by the window, watching the ocean from the warmth of the house. We’d played on the beach all afternoon, and even after eating out for dinner, I still felt chilled. Nash and I hadn’t talked about what was going on with us, but he must have come around and forgiven me for the cold shoulder the night before.

  Because you cuddled up with him all day.

  Marcus sounded bitter and jealous, and I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t help him either.

  Yes, the hell you can. Just ditch him.

  I heard a noise, then Nash came up behind me and slipped his arms around my waist, pulling me back against his solid stomach. His arms and warmth surrounded me and I gave in, leaning my head back against the crook of his neck.

  “Brandon and Dawn are out in the hot tub, so I’m running you a bath,” he whispered against my neck, and then he left his lips there, burning into me. Heat fell through my body and pooled. He pulled me around to face him, and the look in his eyes stopped me for a second. I thought I recovered but he took me by the chin and gently lifted my face. “Don’t be afraid.”

  He had seen that?

  I met his gaze again and he kissed me. He took my hand and led me up the stairs to the master bathroom. We step inside together and I pulled in a quick breath. He’d lit small yellow candles and set them along the bath’s rim. The tub was halfway full, with bubbles building magical mountain ranges all over the water, and lavender steam filling the room. He shut the door with on hand, pulling me close at the same time to kiss me more, urgently. He lowered his head and his teeth grazed my neck, making me gasp.

  When he undid the top bottom of my shirt, I understood…and felt so completely naïve. The bath wasn’t just for me.

  This isn’t going to happen. I’ll take his freaking head off his body, Ave. Send him away.

  My hands pushed Nash back.

  No! Marcus, no.

  Anger flashed in Nash’s eyes. I knew I couldn’t fight Marcus and win. And I couldn’t handle that look. I stepped back and turned away, desperate to make this okay. There just wasn’t any way.

  “Avery, I don’t understand.” He waited with his hands on his hips, and I didn’t miss the bulge in his pants that was quickly shrinking. I stared back at him, feeling like a four year old.

  “I’m really shy, and…” The bubbles were threatening to overflow the tub so I turned off the water. Nash didn’t move, and I couldn’t tell if he looked anger, hurt or just suspicious. Was that it? He didn’t believe me. I wouldn’t either.

  The bathroom was way too quiet without the water running. Nash wilted—his shoulders slumped just enough for me to notice. He nodded and threw a loo
k at the bath and said, “Enjoy your bath.”

  After he’d walked down the hallway, I locked the door, mostly because I felt exposed. Vulnerable. I heard my breathing before realizing I was going to cry.

  It’s for the best.

  “How can you say that?” I whispered. “You don’t give a damn about my life. It’s all about you now.”

  I can’t help it, Ave. I can’t step back while… while you do that with him. I can’t. I’m too in love with you.

  In love with me? Where did that leave me?

  Is that all you have to say?

  “I want you,” I whispered, “and I can’t do anything about it. I’m falling for you too, in all these different ways.”

  And where did that leave us? We were in this together—totally together but so far apart.

  Ahh, babe.

  It’d be the right thing to do to let the water out, but I wasn’t ready to face Nash. I undressed and slipped into the water; he’d gotten the temperature just right. Leaning back, I closed my eyes and let the water’s warmth seep into me, breathing slow, picturing rolling, green hills and puffy white clouds.

  Marcus pictured me naked in the bubbles. I could see his thoughts and feel the way he reacted, how badly he wanted to run his hands up my body, feel my curves, drive me past my breaking point.

  I saw him too: his wild, crazy hair, the glow in his eyes as he looked at me, his full lips ready to kiss my mouth. I longed to have him there, holding my face in his hands the way he did in the car when it broke down, looking into my eyes with anticipation before he kissed me. I wanted to feel his mouth on mine, to find out how he kissed. Would it be slow and teasing? Driving me crazy? Making me ask for more? Would he eventually give in, unable to hold back, even as I gripped his hair?

  I could see how he’d lean over me, kissing me, as steam rose off the water. How I’d run my hands up his back and feel his muscles.

  I wanted his body pressed into me in the water, his arms around me too, pulling me up against him. I wanted us gripped in passion like it was about to shatter us apart, on the edge of dying from desire. Our faces pressed together, his neck in the dip between my shoulder and head, my legs wrapped around him, binding us together while water splashed everywhere.