All In My Head (First Tracks Book 1) Read online

  That sent me falling, gasping—a different heat flooded through me, from the inside out. Sweat broke out on my forehead. I sat up to gulp air, dizzy.

  Marcus didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. I felt him all around me.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Marcus

  Avery dozed off in the bath as it cooled, pulling me with her. I just held onto her, half aware and halfway giving into the numbing endorphin release. She woke us both with a shiver, then tried to pretend I wasn’t there. And of course her shyness made me grin like a fool. I’d have given anything to pause time right there. Forget about whatever could happen down the road. Who I was. Where I belonged.

  I belonged right here.

  She woke up and reluctantly let the cooling water out and started to dress.

  Ave, I’ve never felt so close to anyone like this before.

  She paused while pulling her shirt over her head.

  I know, sounds crazy. How could I know that? I don’t know it, I feel it.

  I felt her smile. “Me too. I’ve never talked to anyone else the way I can talk to you, or share things like we do, especially not a guy.”

  She went downstairs, but a voice stopped her at the top before she walked into view of the living room.

  “How serious is it? You sound horrible.” Kyle stood by the window, on his phone. “Mom, I can come home if you need help….yeah, but we can come to the coast anytime. I don’t want you to be alone…but I can…Why are you so stubborn? I like taking care of you.”

  Wow. Kyle had a soft spot. And maybe we’d get rid of him. Good riddance, asswad!

  Ave didn’t seem to hear me. I wanted to crack another joke but I felt drained, so I just watched along with her.

  “Alright, Mom, but if you get worse or change your mind, just call me. And don’t feel bad about it. I mean it.” There was a longer pause and he said, “Love you too, Mom. Take care. Call me tomorrow, kay?” He slipped his phone in his pocket and stood staring out the window at the ocean down below. The wind was blowing outside but the chaos didn’t penetrate the glass. It was still as stone in here.

  Kyle sighed and turned around, then stopped short when he spotted Ave.

  She jumped. “Sorry! I was just going to walk through but I didn’t want to interrupt.”

  “It’s okay.” He walked her way—swaggered her way and turned on his fake teeth-too-white smile. “I guess you heard that, though.”

  “Sorry your mom is sick,” she said. “It wouldn’t be a big deal if you needed to go see her.” Avery seemed to be thinking he’d leave to take care of her, despite what he’d said. It’d give her a chance to talk to Kristina.

  “Thanks.” He sighed dramatically. “But I don’t need to. She’ll be okay.”

  Avery’s mind had changed directions to Kristina. She had to tell Kris the truth about him, even if it strained their relationship for a while. Then she’d talk to Nash and come clean.

  “Avey?”

  I watched Kyle change as he looked at Avery—his body and expression turned seductive. It was so obvious I started laughing.

  I tried turning her body but it didn’t work. She’d froze. I felt her heart rate quicken. Kyle reached to her face, stepping so close he was breathing on her, as he leaned into her. She didn’t want him that close. She didn’t want him kissing her, and it was plain as day he planned to.

  Ave!

  I concentrated everything I had, trying to send it into her. All of my energy flooded her body. His mouth almost touched hers, but her arms came up and shoved him backwards.

  Kyle flew back, shocked as hell.

  “Kyle?” A girl’s voice. Kristina.

  Ave turned her head. Kristina stood in the doorway, one hand on the wall, the other over her mouth, tears pooled in her eyes. Ave looked between Kris and Kyle, gasping, too emotional to say anything. She turned away from them but didn’t go for the door like I expected.

  Vague but disturbing memories floated up: I was the one who convinced Avery that Kristina stole Kyle.

  She stared at the door while I tried to break through to her. She thought something but her voice wasn’t clear. Her voice faded, like a train pulling away from the station.

  “Ave?” I ran toward her, reaching out. It didn’t help. “Avery!” I could feel myself falling the opposite way, losing ground while she sped away from me. What was going on? The room faded, going black, taking everything with it.

  Chapter Twenty

  Avery

  The wind moaned against the house, and I realized there was a door for me to escape through. I just needed to move. Why couldn’t I move? Something felt physically wrong.

  “Krissy,” Kyle started. I heard the apologetic smile in his voice. “Krissy, it was just a joke. Come on, baby.”

  Kristina didn’t say anything.

  I could feel Kris looking between Kyle and me. He probably had that stupid smile on his face. Maybe he believed it’d even work.

  I gasped, air filling my lungs and burning, like I’d been holding my breath too long. My head spun so wildly I had to close my eyes and lean against a couch arm. Kris finally spoke, and I pushed through the fog, trying to understand her words.

  “How could you?” A beat of silence. Then, an octave higher: “What were you thinking?”

  “It was just a joke. I’ll admit, it was stupid. And I can’t say who started it. We were just laughing, and then she…” He trailed off and I pictured him gesturing my way, implying blame.

  The awful dizziness drained and I felt myself coming around. I turned just enough to face them without looking at them. “That wasn’t a joke. You’re always playing both sides, Kyle.” Now that I found my voice and feet, I moved through the doorway. The wind caught my hair and blew it around while I looked for somewhere to go. There was just the beach so I walked a short distance and collapsed down in the sand, crossing my legs and hunching over. Little raindrops hit me all over.

  Marcus, why did you let me do that?

  Nothing. He was really mad. I wiped at my nose and realized I was crying. Great. Why didn’t I just step back and say no? Why didn’t I slap him as soon as he walked over? Why did I freeze up like that when I needed to stand up for myself?

  I could hear Kristina screaming inside. She thought Kyle kissed me. Or I kissed him. At any rate, she thought there was a kiss involved, and I didn’t speak up for some asinine reason.

  Nash would catch wind of all this soon. Any moment now.

  The screaming paused, then restarted in multiple voices. I jumped up and ran back to the doorway. Inside, Kristina swung something back and forth like she was trying to hit Kyle—but Kyle flipped over with Nash on top of him. They both had a fist pulled back, ready. I rushed in, yelling, “Stop!”

  Kyle fell backwards, smack into a wall. Nash dove for him. Kyle rolled to the right but Nash caught him, and they rolled and struggled again, sliding across the floor. Kris and I both tried to stop it, but we couldn’t even get close. It was too dangerous.

  “What the hell?” Brandon ran in behind us, pushing Kris and me aside with one hand on each of us. “What’re they fighting about?”

  Kris gave him an icy death look which he hardly noticed. Somehow he got in the middle of them and pushed them apart while they yelled at each other. Brandon threw Dawn a look. “A little help here!”

  “What could I do?” She’d backed up toward the door to stay out of the commotion.

  Nash, his face dark red, pushed against Brandon, trying to get at Kyle, yelling obscenities. His veins popped out in a disgusting way. I didn’t look over but I could tell Dawn and was looking at me and then Kristina, trying to figure it out. The more Brandon yelled at them to quiet down, the more Nash screamed at Kyle.

  I had thought Kyle was a jerk before… He stepped back, smirking at Nash and holding his palms up as if to say, “So what?”

  Dawn’s hand on my shoulder pulled me back. This was on me—I had to do something, and quick. I took a step just as two quick bangs sou
nded behind me.

  “Bandon Police!”

  ***

  Nash didn’t say a single word to me the entire drive back to Ashland. I stared straight ahead at the rain or out the side window and counted in my head. I reached fifty or a hundred countless times and started over because I couldn’t keep track, but I had to focus on something that would block out my thoughts.

  Fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two… This was the old Nash—quiet, reserved and not sharing his thoughts. Where had that other Nash come from? The emotional one that turned red, his veins popping out of his forehead, screaming at Kyle.

  One, two, three… I didn’t even get to talk to Kris. She ran into her room.

  Seven, eight… ten… One, two, three… Where was Marcus? I needed some sage advice, some smart way to talk myself out of this. I wanted to say something to Nash, some kind of explanation, but he’d been so mad back in Bandon.

  I can’t believe he still drove me home. Or that I got in the car with him. I didn’t want to stay there with them, though.

  Nash pulled up to the front of my house and put the car in park. I waited a second to see if he’d turn the engine off, a signal that maybe he wanted to talk, but he didn’t. What was the use in explaining? In saying Kyle didn’t even kiss me? Maybe this was the easy way out.

  I stepped out and opened the back passenger door to get my bag, and made a split second decision that I couldn’t leave things like this.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He finally turned to look at me—that five o’clock shadow had grown into the start of a beard, making him look like a different person. Darker. Actually scary instead of just intense. Oddly, he didn’t give me a death glare.

  “Did this have anything to do with…that voice in your head?”

  My mouth fell open—I had a response in there somewhere—but it shocked me. That’s what he had been thinking about?

  “Yeah, sort of,” I said, lamely, almost not caring about how it sounded. “I mean, it did and didn’t. He can’t stand Kyle—”

  His eyes were boring into me, unblinking. “How’s the voice feel about me?”

  I’m sure I gave him a wide-eyed oh fuck look.

  “Yeah. Well… Avery, you need help. If you really hear a voice, and you’re not making it up, that’s serious.” His tone didn’t have even a hint of question in it, and he didn’t wait for any kind of answer. Nash turned forward again and put his hand on the gearstick.

  I closed the car door softly and walked up to the porch. For the first time, he drove off without watching me go inside. Good thing, too. I couldn’t get my key in the lock. My hand shook and I couldn’t see through my goddamn tears, so I sank down into a pathetic slump on the porch.

  Hello? Marcus? Don’t you want to scream and yell at me too?

  When had I last heard him? Not during the drive…or when Nash was screaming at Kyle…or when I talked to Kyle? I think it was then.

  But nothing now? I said his name and tried thinking a few things that’d make him angry. He wasn’t there. He was gone. I was all alone.

  Of course I’d lose him now, when I lost Kristina and Dawn. He had never wanted to be stuck here—hadn’t he said so over and over? Yeah, maybe we shared a few special moments, but I’d trapped him in my head somehow and stolen him out of his life. He must have remembered who he was or a way back to himself. Marcus figured out a way to leave me and ran as fast as he could.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “What the hell?” I heard Jazz just before her arms slid around me. “Ave, honey, what are you doing on the floor? What happened?” Her hair fell in front of my face before I turned into her arms.

  “He found a way to leave and he did. Just like that,” I moaned into her shirt, probably getting snot all over her. “Without a goodbye.”

  “Nash?”

  “Marcus.”

  “Whoa…okay. Come inside and tell me everything.” She pulled me up and inside and kicked the door shut. We made our way to the couch, where we sat side by side, her arm around me as I poured out the entire story about Marcus. Well, the story without any shower or bath scenes. Finding him in my head, falling for him when I should have been happy with Nash.

  “Falling for this voice?” she asked, not exactly judging, but straining for a neutral tone. “Without seeing him?”

  “I did see him, in my mind and on paper.” I ran back to my bedroom and grabbed the drawings. A couple went flying so I flopped across the bed to reach one. Jazz came in behind me. I twisted around, sitting up, and held them out to her.

  After a minute of flipping through the sheets, she said, “Wow, Ave, these are fantastic.”

  “They’re not mine. I didn’t draw those. He did. He used my hand, but I’ve never been able to draw a decent stick figure. Remember when we drew characters for our skit last year?”

  Her eyebrows shot up. “Yeah, I do. I’ll agree your creative talent is all in your writing!” She looked at the papers, at me, and then sat down to flip through the pages again, looking more closely at the drawings of me, Marcus, that unnamed girl. Jazz’s gaze popped up for a second, asking a silent question.

  “Don’t know. Could be anyone, but he didn’t think it was a romantic relationship. A friend, maybe?”

  She was going through the stack again, throwing glances my way occasionally, processing not just the pictures but the entire situation. I hadn’t planned to tell her, but it was out now. Hopefully it wasn’t a huge mistake. I couldn’t blame her if she tried to get help for me.

  “It was Marcus playing the guitar, too. I’ve never even picked one up before I met him.”

  “How…”

  “And he spoke French,” I said, pressing on. “I haven’t studied French. I couldn’t make that up in my head.” Please believe me. Without Marcus to talk to, I might really lose it.

  “Okay, hang on. I gotta go to the bathroom.” She walked out quickly, going to the hallway bathroom, not mine. I strained to hear if she called anyone, but I didn’t hear her voice if she did. Maybe she texted. I think I saw something online that you can text 911 now. Or she could be texting Dawn or some other friend.

  She came back and sat down on my bed. “But the voice is gone now? Marcus is gone?”

  “Yeah, he’s gone.” I needed her, so I basically needed to trust her with all this. I needed to just keep talking. Keep breathing. I could stay in shock. That sounded so much better than really thinking about… if he was gone. Really gone.

  Then I remembered the god awful trip. I’d been so flipped out over Marcus I’d actually forgotten about that for a few minutes. I blew my nose into a tissue and said, “But wait. There’s more. If all that wasn’t crazy enough, Kyle tried to kiss me and Kris walked in.”

  “Are you freaking serious? I knew it. I knew he was after you, and just because you started dating someone new. He couldn’t handle it.” She realized she was going on and shook her head. “So, I’m a little confused. Kris saw Kyle try to kiss you, and then you ended up here all hysterical?”

  “She’s mad at me. And him, I hope. So Nash drove me home—without talking—and then that’s when I realized I couldn’t hear Marcus anymore.” I paused as I started shaking. I stopped short of asking her if she thought I was crazy.

  “What am I going to do?” I wiped my nose with the tissue and ran my hand over my eyes in a way that would have embarrassed me before I completely humiliated myself and lost Kristina and Nash.

  Only then did I check her expression. She didn’t look ready to bolt and call the police.

  “I’m not gonna sugarcoat this,” she said, running a hand through her hair. “We’ll have to figure something out…”

  I felt a second of gratitude that she said we, but then I tried to finish her sentence. “About my mental condition….or with Kris?”

  “I’m not sure how she’s taking this. I mean, you and her sailed over things when she went out with Kyle. You were the one that could have been mad and you were gracious instead. She’s… she’s not like
you.”

  “She’s so sweet,” I said out of habit, and then added, “Oh, yeah, she admitted to stealing Kyle, before we went to Bandon.”

  “Exactly.” She rolled her eyes while sighing. “I just don’t know. Maybe you two can avoid each other until things calm down, and maybe things will work out here.”

  Here? The house. Why hadn’t I thought to worry about that yet? Oh, because my life was falling apart. “Well, I can move out if it gets too ugly.”

  I listened to a car drive by, holding my breath until I knew it wasn’t Kristina coming home. Jazz looked out my window, preoccupied.

  “Ave, it wouldn’t work here if you moved out.” She looked at me. “I mean, that’d be fine for you, but we’d have to find another room mate, and it’s almost summer.”

  Yeah, that wouldn’t work out too nice for Jazz, Dawn and Kristina. “You said something about that,” I said just as the memory surfaced. Jazz had been the one that came to talk to me, asking if I was sure about this arrangement. I paid almost twice the rent of everyone else, but I got the garage and the room with a bathroom. “Well, it’s not like Kristina can kick me out.”

  Our eyes met. Oh—I could kick Kristina out. Maybe. Not that I would.

  But we were thinking about the smaller problem. I rubbed my face, eyes closed, when it all hit: I had wanted Marcus out of my head before. Now I shook my head, laughing out loud through my stuffy nose.

  Her phone buzzed in her pocket. The house was quiet enough for me to hear it. She checked the screen and looked at me, and I knew it was Kristina.

  “I’ll talk to her, okay? Try to smooth things out a little.” She answered the phone as she walked out into the hallway. I didn’t want to listen so I closed my door. I hadn’t noticed when I left, but it was messy: clothes on the floor, shoes lying around, a bra left to dry hanging from my dresser drawer knob. I’d turned into a guy. After shutting the door, I pulled my top dresser drawer open, planning to take out the picture of my mom. But there were all kinds of papers that I didn’t remember putting there. I pulled them out and sucked in a breath. They were more drawings. Marcus had drawn a picture of me with my mom. Not me as a little girl. But me now.