All In My Head (First Tracks Book 1) Read online

  “Hey, Avery. How’s it going?”

  “Oh, good,” I said, when it hadn’t been. “What are you up to? Are you free tonight?”

  “Sure. What do you want to do?”

  Actually see Marcus. I cut off my sigh to say, “Want to go to a movie?” That sounded simple enough.

  Marcus stepped to the forefront of my mind with an image of him and me on a blanket in the park, under the leafy Maples, as he gazed down on my face.

  Nash hadn’t answered and I panicked. Had I said something about that image out loud?

  “Sure, okay.” There was hesitation in his voice. “I’ll be over in about half an hour. Does that work?”

  I glanced at the clock. That would give us fifteen minutes to drive to the theater to catch a seven o’clock movie.

  “That’s perfect.” I said goodbye and got off the phone, a funny feeling settling in my gut. He knew something—either about the party, or Kyle, or Jasper or the trip Kristina was planning. I sat on the edge of the bed, leaning over with my elbows on my knees, to get over the drowsy feeling the nap had given me.

  So I haven’t figured it out yet. What do you like about Nash?

  “Um, wasn’t that you that encouraged me to call him and go out?”

  Okay, fair enough. I’m not trying to get you to stay home and all, but I’m curious. He’s the opposite of what you dream about.

  “I dream about guys?”

  Maybe you should go get ready.

  He had a point. I was still in my long pajama shirt and hadn’t taken a shower. I threw my hair up and hopped through a quickie shower. Marcus never answered my question and actually stayed out of the shower. Apparently he followed the rules when it suited him.

  I changed into a fitted black V-neck shirt and skinny jeans with my favorite long boots, then I put on mascara and makeup for a change and smoothed my hair with the flat iron. Kristina would flip if she knew I could get ready so fast. Pausing, I stared in the mirror. Not sure if I was just looking at myself or making sure Marcus looked. It felt like a staring contest after a minute, and then the doorbell rang.

  Marcus must have meant it about staying back and giving me space. Strange.

  I opened the front door and Nash and I both broke into a big smile. He had dressed up in a dark shirt and slacks. Completely naturally, I stepped into his embrace, our mouths meeting in one of those perfect fifty-fifty kisses: it wasn’t him leaning in or me reaching. We both wanted it.

  Isn’t that sweet?

  Marcus’s voice came through as a soft whisper. He was trying to hide himself away and stay out of the picture. It was a nice gesture, in theory. I still heard him whining about my heels.

  Nash pulled back. “We should get going if you wanted to go to the next movie.”

  “Sounds good. Did you check the listings?”

  Outside, he opened my car door for me.

  As we left, a beat of silence passed and he asked, “You didn’t check the listings?”

  Hmm, I should have thought of that. I pulled out my phone and we talked about the options before picking Divergent. It had just come out so the showing could be full already, but I didn’t care too much about what we saw.

  “How’s your weekend going?” he asked while driving.

  I looked out the side window for a beat, considering how much to tell him. “Pretty good. I stuck around the house mostly. Kristina had friends over and they left a big mess, like usual. But I got the house mostly to myself yesterday.”

  “Yeah?”

  He acted distracted and it made me think either he’d heard rumors or I was over thinking things out of guilt. Maybe he’d heard about the coast trip. There was no telling what info got out to everyone with the way Kyle and Brandon liked to talk.

  It was getting hot in the car and I turned the fan up. I decided to take the long way around all of this.

  “Do you have plans for spring break yet?” I asked as casually as I could, then watched his reaction.

  Just frigging ask him!

  Crap. Marcus was here, watching all of this. Nash looked over with raised eyebrows, looking curious and optimistic. “Not really. I mean, I have things I could do, but … did you want to go somewhere?”

  He knew about the trip somehow. That made it easier and harder to tell him. “Kristina is renting a house on the coast for the next few days. She’s taking Kyle and Dawn’s taking Brandon. They invited me and thought I could invite you.” The phrasing came to me as I spoke. It was their idea. I was just going along with it. Nash didn’t answer—maybe he was thinking it through, so I rushed on. “I know it’s short notice. So it’s fine if you have plans already.” That gave him an easy out.

  “Oh. Cool.” He scratched the back of his head. His voice sounded like he was on the verge of saying more. I waited. Then, “So … after what happened between you and Kyle, you can hang around him? I don’t get it.”

  “Well, Kris is my best friend. And maybe he’s changed.” Really, I didn’t have a good explanation for it, except that I was willing to put up with a lot.

  Nash tapped on the steering wheel. Maybe he wanted me to say I wanted him there. But for some reason, I didn’t want to sound so eager about it. And … oh, god, he probably thought I was saying I wanted to be together, like I was ready for that. I could visualize Marcus slap his hands over his face.

  Just say, “Hey, I’m going to the coast. It’d be cool if you came. So you wanna?” And leave it at that!

  “I mean, it’d be great if you can come.” I hesitated and decided to get everything out there. “There’s only so many rooms … and I know we’re not, like, together together. So I don’t want to put pressure on you. That’s not what this is about at all. I just thought we could go together and hang out.”

  “Oh …”

  I couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or just thinking it through. Why couldn’t he get excited just once?

  Because he’s Nash. And he probably thought you were together-together, as you put it.

  “It’s not that expensive, either, since we’re all chipping in. Just thirty-six bucks a night. A little over a hundred for the whole trip.” We’d reached Medford. I hoped he answered before we went to the movie.

  “Yeah, it sounds great.” He gave a small smile, what I was officially dubbing the Nash Smile. So had he said yes, or had that been a polite work around?

  “So I can tell Kris we’re going?” I asked, feeling stupid but needing to clarify.

  “Sure. It’ll be fun,” he said.

  I filled him in on the rest of the details as he parked at the theater. As we walked toward the theater, I asked him if he’d been to Bandon much, where we’d be staying. He hadn’t, and started telling a story about a trip there, but Marcus started asking about the Oregon coast.

  I nodded at Nash while trying to think at Marcus, Can’t answer you right now!

  Inside, Nash ordered a giant popcorn for us to share and a large Coke. I usually skip the popcorn and get a pretzel, but I wasn’t feeling like making a fuss over it.

  Didn’t you tell me pretzels taste like camel piss? Since you’ve tasted that and all?

  Only little pretzels. Now shhh!

  When we were sitting and watching the previews, Nash wrapped his arm around my shoulder and leaned close to press a kiss into my temple.

  “I missed you.”

  I leaned into him, debating what to say for too long and the moment passed. Did he mean this last week, even though we’d been talking on campus? Or did he mean these last two weeks when I’d been acting weird? But I still wasn’t sure anyone had noticed—the only really weird thing was when they found out I could play the guitar, and even that wasn’t that odd. Maybe all of this was in my head.

  I closed my eyes for a few seconds, willfully feeling Nash against me. Here and now. Then I felt Marcus lurking. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to for me to feel suddenly split and confused. Still, I didn’t move away from Nash. I needed to feel someone next to me, holding m
e, caring about me.

  Why did it have to be so complicated? I didn’t ask for this or do anything to deserve it. (Did I?)

  It turns out I didn’t have to move or say anything for Nash to pick up on the change. Maybe he could sense Marcus too? No, that was completely crazy. And I was only two-thirds crazy. Or maybe three-quarters. We sat close together for the movie, and when it ended, left holding hands but not saying anything. Since the beginning of this school year, I’d been daydreaming about being with Nash, and in my fantasy, everything was easy. We clicked, like I did with Kyle. We could laugh and talk and share all kinds of things.

  Instead we were being quiet, the way people are before breaking up.

  At the house, he parked and asked in a quiet, flat voice, “Do you want to go for a walk?”

  “Sure,” I said, trying for an optimistic tone, like I wasn’t picking up on the tension at all. I got out and waited for him, and then we walked down the street side by side. Until that moment, I had thought the evening went well enough that we could keep going, pretending. Now my heart rate picked up and my stomach tightened. Oddly, I was relieved to feel emotion over a possible breakup. That meant I cared. Wanting to break the silence, or start this dreaded talk, I asked, “So, is something on your mind?”

  “I’m just wondering what’s going on in your head.”

  If only he knew!

  “I … kinda have been too,” I said, my voice apologetic.

  He let that sit in the air for a few minutes before he sighed and said, “It’s just we’re talking about going to the coast together tomorrow, and I haven’t been sure about how you feel about me.”

  Talking about? Not planning on?

  “Nash …” I wanted to reach over and take his hand, but didn’t. I stuck my hands in my coat pockets to keep them warm. We’d known each other for a while now, and I liked to think we could trust each other. Maybe I could trust him.

  Don’t, Avery. Just don’t. It didn’t go well with the crisis hotline, remember?

  “Do you like someone else?” Nash asked. “I know you said it’s been over for a long time between you and Kyle, but it’s hard not to wonder. I just want honesty.”

  “Kyle?” Hopefully my expression looked incredulous and not the surprise I felt—I’d been thinking someone else meant Marcus. “That was forever ago.”

  He watched the sidewalk right in front of us as we walked. “Is there someone else?”

  “No.” I softened my voice and turned to him to say, “No. There isn’t some other guy.”

  Marcus didn’t say anything to that but I silently apologized anyway.

  Nash and I stood looking at each other under the streetlight, and he looked reluctant to accept my explanation. For a second, I thought he was going to say something, and then realized he was waiting on me.

  “I’ve just felt … as if … ever since my accident, I’ve had this feeling there’s someone else in my head. I’ve been all mixed up.”

  His eyebrows shot up. The streetlights shined down, throwing shadows on his face, but I could feel the shock. Disbelief. He didn’t step back but I bet he wanted to.

  His reaction was actually very subtle in comparison to Marcus having a meltdown in my head. I had to push him away and focus on Nash so I could hear his response.

  “Um, what do you mean exactly? Like you feel like someone else?” he asked. I didn’t like the way he was studying me.

  “I don’t know exactly. Maybe.” I shrugged and then laughed. “I guess I’ve been feeling confused about things … but I like you, Nash. A lot.” I tried to read his eyes but couldn’t, not in the harsh downward slant of light on his face. Then, he stepped closer and reached for both of my hands and leaned down so his forehead rested on mine. Feeling close to tears, I closed my eyes, chewing the inside of my cheeks. Why, why, why. Things would have been perfect if I didn’t get that concussion.

  Nash moved to kiss my mouth, just a short, sweet kiss, and then pulled me against him and wrapped his arms tightly around me. There was an edge to his embrace, a neediness that I wouldn’t have expected from him. I hugged him back, hanging on, feeling like we were holding each other up.

  What if … what if things were complicated inside his head too? Maybe he had some of his own issues.

  “I’ve liked you a long time,” he whispered.

  I tried to answer back, “Me too,” but my throat closed up. He might have understood me. I nuzzled my face into his chest, wanting to get lost and forget everything else. We stood there for so long I think I heard someone walk by.

  “I thought maybe you were stringing me along,” he said, “so it confused me more when you asked about going to the coast with you.”

  I shook my head against his chest. “I’m a little mixed up, but …” I never say the right thing. I started over with, “I hope I haven’t messed things up with you.”

  “No.” He stroked my hair. I shivered and he pulled back. “Let’s get you inside.” He took my hand and we walked back to the house. Maybe we had gotten back to some kind of normal. Maybe he would forget what I said. Marcus had been right, it didn’t help anything.

  As we approached the house, I wondered if he’d just naturally come inside, or if I would need to invite him. I wanted his arms around me again, but I was afraid of talking more. I was afraid of how much he might need me. But I also wanted that. Desperately! But my life had gotten so strangely complicated that I would just hurt him, and me.

  We slowed down and reached the bottom steps. He leaned in and kissed my lips. “I’m going to take off.”

  “Kay … Nash, thanks for listening and understanding.”

  “My pleasure. See you tomorrow.” He ran his knuckles down my cheek and held my gaze with his dark eyes. Then he watched me go up the steps and inside the front door. I peeked through the small window and saw him get in his car and drive off.

  Well, Marcus, you got your wish. I hardly kissed him, and now he thinks I’m a freak.

  Chapter Seventeen

  When Nash said he’d be by at twelve fifteen to pick me up, he meant exactly eleven fifteen. He pulled up and honked, which wasn’t exactly Nash-like, but I realized he was worried about time. Apparently he didn’t like being late, even if we weren’t on a strict schedule.

  Kristina and Dawn had gone to Kyle’s house earlier, and Brandon was meeting them there so the four of them could carpool. Kris and Dawn had left behind sweet, peaceful quietness when they evacuated, leaving me to pack one bag without having to give my opinion on which outfits they should take. Normally, I’ll admit I get into that kind of thing, but it was hell with Marcus cracking jokes all along the way.

  Anyway, I was more than happy to drive over with just Nash so I wouldn’t have to juggle as many conversations. To be completely honest, I was surprised that he didn’t call and cancel that morning. We didn’t part on the best of terms last night for two people going on a three-night trip to the coast.

  Bright sunlight met me when I went outside to Nash’s station wagon. It was newer than mine and he wanted to drive.

  “Just one bag?” This was how he greeted me.

  “Am I breaking some girly rule?” I asked, laughing, right before I wondered how many bags he’d brought. I threw my bag into the backseat and jumped in. Before I could lean over to kiss him, he pulled away from the curb.

  “I still need to get gas.”

  I glanced at the backseat again because I’d noticed his things there. It was a laptop case. His other bag, or bags, were in the very back.

  “I should have brought something to write with,” I said. I’d been thinking about walking on the beach and getting away from anything related to my life.

  “Yeah, I have a couple story ideas.” He pulled into the gas station then so he didn’t elaborate.

  We filled the gas tank and stocked up on snacks for the drive over. We were at the cash register when I noticed he had a bag of pretzels. Yuck.

  “Don’t those make crumbs?” he asked, nodding toward
my raspberry filled white doughnuts.

  “I’ll save those for after we get there.”

  Geesh.

  I almost agreed with Marcus, and wondered (for a second) if I’d make a mistake by going on this trip with Nash. But when we walked outside, Nash carried the bag and threw a big smile at me, the biggest smile I’d seen on his handsome face.

  How is he handsome when he hardly ever smiles?

  Thanks for ruining the moment, Marcus.

  You’re very welcome.

  I could totally see him grinning about it.

  I suppressed a laugh as Nash and I got into the car, and suddenly a cloud seemed to lift from around me. I could do this. I could enjoy this trip with both of them talking to me. Nash turned his MP3 player on through the sound system, we broke open the snacks, and talked while driving north.

  “So you know Ettore, right?” he asked. “What’s his story? I heard his family has a lot of money.”

  “We’re friends…and he does have money, but one time he told me he doesn’t like how people treat him when they find out his family has money.” I suddenly missed Ettore. He had a bigger world view than my other friends. Most college students were caught up in gossip, making as many friends as possible, partying, and future career stuff. Ettore talked about travel, what life was like in different parts of the US and around the world, and odd things like the differences in clothing styles in different cities. I tried explaining that to Nash. After a while, I noticed he’d grown quiet.

  Maybe he doesn’t like hearing about other guys.

  Good point. I changed the subject. We reached the turnoff and started West. It’d been a while since I’d been to the beach. As crazy as it sounded to my own ears, I had a sense that getting there would make things okay again.

  Okay meaning no Marcus in your life?

  Sorry…

  A few minutes later, Nash reached across and took my hand. My heart flittered but Marcus flinched.

  I can’t handle this.

  You’ll have to. Deal with it.

  Marcus started singing—more like yelling—and stomping around in my brain. Nash continued talking but I couldn’t hear him. In a panic, I turned toward the window like I was coughing into my elbow.