All In My Head (First Tracks Book 1) Page 21

  I couldn’t tell if he had heard about me. Either way, I was some nut case to him. “Yes.”

  “Well, the expected outcome is … that he’ll cease breathing once oxygen is removed. I’m sorry.” He didn’t turn away for a second, giving me hope.

  “And his family can just decide that?”

  A look of pity came and went from his eyes. He rested a hand on my shoulder. “Yes, it’s their legal right. He made his wishes known for such an event like this. I know it’s hard, and you obviously care about him, but we have to respect the patient’s wishes.” He gave me a pat and walked away.

  Everyone else thought I was going against Marcus’s wishes, that I was the bad guy.

  “Miss?”

  I looked up to find the doctor several feet away, still watching me. “I told you the expected outcome. I shouldn’t tell you this … but sometimes the patient continues to breathe. It doesn’t mean he’ll come around or improve if that happens. It usually prolongs the, well, outcome. I thought I should tell you that, just in case. Just so you don’t get your hopes up. But … anything is possible, I suppose. He’s a young man. I’d like to think he has a chance too.”

  “Thank you.” I stood still and watched him leave … and I might have stood there for a long time after that; I wasn’t sure.

  Ave? Can you get me out of this building for a while?

  How?

  Did he think I could cart his sleeping body out of here?

  No, us. You. Me. Let’s go up to the roof.

  Oh. I shook my head at myself, wanting to laugh but unable to, and headed to an elevator. It took some doing to find a way to the roof. When I finally walked outside, I was surprised to find it was midday. The clouds were just a thin, pearlescent sheen that reminded me of the inside of seashells. They stretched across the entire sky, rippling here, fizzing there, making pretty patterns. A breeze played with my hair, sending it behind me and then around my face. I looked at the city around us, and the hills and mountains, and white sky, then I closed my eyes and felt the air move on my skin.

  I wished it was Marcus caressing me.

  I’m here. But …

  “But what?”

  This is all we get, I guess.

  I sank and lay down on the concrete to stare up at the sky, wanting to argue with him but knowing better. What were my options? I could spill everything to his parents, but he already knew that would make things worse. I could try to convince Jen. No. It would hurt them more, and I knew why.

  I’d tell them the truth but then they still wouldn’t be able to talk to Marcus or hear him like me. They wouldn’t really believe. They would just hope without proof. And he’d still be in a coma. I’d prolong the inevitable, like that doctor said. I’d cause them much more pain and they’d still lose him over a longer, worse process. I was being selfish. I wanted Marcus.

  I’m selfish too then. I want you, Avery.

  ***

  I lay on the roof for hours, watching the day change, talking to Marcus, until my phone buzzed.

  “Hi, Jen.”

  “Avery, are you still at the hospital?”

  “The roof.”

  “Oh … can I talk to you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “In person. I’ll come up.”

  “You know the way?”

  “Yeah. I’ve been here a while.”

  I didn’t move until she found me, and then she sat down as I sat up. We were quiet as the breeze tickled over us.

  “Your friend Jazz called the hospital, Avery.”

  Her words took a second to sink it. Then they hit hard. Anger flared, but died quickly. It didn’t matter anymore. Jazz had come through and did the right thing.

  “She told you everything?” I asked.

  “What I heard, from my mom, is that you’ve been hearing voices since hitting your head about a month ago.”

  “Did she tell you about all the drawings Marcus did? She’s seen my attempts at art before, and she’s an art major. She knows I couldn’t fake what he did. And what about the way I could suddenly play the guitar? And snowboard?”

  She watched me with those permanent tears beading on her lower eyelids.

  “I really do know him, Jen. I might only know him in my head, but I didn’t make him up. I can tell you all about him. About your cardboard doll house that he helped you build and paint. About the little green toboggan that you rode down the hill and crashed, and knocked out your loose tooth.” I looked at her, and in one look knew she believed me.

  “I’m so sorry, Avery, but my parents aren’t changing their minds. Especially now. They think you made all of this up.” She looked down, shaking her head. “Even if they could believe you, and I don’t think they ever can, it might not change a thing. He’s trapped in there.”

  Not trapped.

  Marcus …

  I reached for Jen’s hand, unable to stop a torrent of love and loss spiking through me. A bittersweet discovery obtained through pain.

  “They’re going to … it’s been in motion for a few days. Well, a couple of weeks now. But the final legal stuff …” She choked up.

  “What are you saying?”

  “Tomorrow morning.”

  “No, no, no!” Why did it break me in two when I’d known she would say that?

  Why hadn’t Marcus said anything?

  It’s okay, babe.

  Marcus pushed through to say, “We have at least until then?”

  Jen looked up like she had literally heard his voice.

  “Are you going to stop them?” she asked, searching my eyes, hope and dread both on her face.

  “No, I’m not going to try to change their minds. But please make sure they don’t do it early. Make sure Avery and I have one more night.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  After Jen left, I stayed on the roof for a few more minutes, standing by the edge to look out over the city, my mind blank and so full I couldn’t think straight. The weight of everything came down slowly, my new reality revealing itself inch by inch.

  Wasn’t there anything I could do or say to his parents?

  Not after they heard from Jazz.

  “She didn’t know … not really. She didn’t understand.” My anger sparked and died over and over, like a tiny fire trying to take hold. I was angry. At her. At Tom and Elaina. At Jen, even. But I also wasn’t angry. Tom, Eleena and Jen were hurting. They loved Marcus.

  And Jazz loved me. She’d done what any sane person should have. I sent her a quick text that said, You did the right thing. I’m not mad at you.

  The daylight was soft now. Whispery. I breathed slowly, thinking about the air rushing in and out of my lungs. Wondering what I would do now. How would I go on?

  What kind of question was that? How could I think like that? “Marcus—”

  Babe, please. Don’t. We have tonight. We have a sunset and a sunrise.

  I blinked at the sun, hazy in the overcast sky.

  “Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?” I asked, even though the question felt like a fiery hot blade cutting through me.

  What do you want, Avery?

  I couldn’t have what I wanted. The gust of wind caught my hair, twisting it around. I didn’t bother brushing it back, not when I could feel every little sensation: the tickle of the breeze in my hair, the scent of the wet spring air, the sun trying to warm the building top, cars honking below.

  “This is about you. Where do you want to go?” I asked each word firmly.

  Can we go to the beach?

  “The beach again?”

  A beach trip for us. If we leave right now, maybe we can catch the sunset over the ocean.

  I turned and ran to the stairs and all the way down, flipping past people, and out to my car. Those ten minutes felt like horribly wasted time. I couldn’t go fast enough. I was breathless as I ripped out of the parking space, through traffic, irritating red lights, and found my way out of the city. I’d gassed up the day before and still had most of my
tank. I headed west on Highway 26. I knew it’d take us to the coast, maybe up in Washington. I wasn’t sure and didn’t care. Unfortunately, it was the midday rush hour and it took a maddening long trek through Beverton, Cedar Hills, Hillsboro and other suburbs. The sun was setting around five thirty, maybe six, if I’d been paying attention. At this rate, I thought we’d end up watching the sunset while stuck in traffic but finally we passed the exits and found clear highway.

  Sorry I missed your birthday. We should stop for cake.

  “I don’t want cake, Marcus. I want you. Time with you. This sunset with you, over the beach.”

  I would think only about this evening and this night. I could live in these hours for now; I could make them last forever.

  You did everything you could for me, Avery. Thank you. I was just some jerk taking over your thoughts, but you showed me so much.

  “I can’t drive if you make me cry.” But I was already crying. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”

  No! No. Don’t be sorry. What could you be sorry for?

  “It’s not fair.”

  Life’s not fair. We know that. You knew that when you lost your parents. But you also got time with them, and they were wonderful. You have wonderful friends. Promise me you won’t let this wreck your life.

  I didn’t want to agree to that. I wanted to leave everything in the mess that it was—with Kristina, with my classes, my house. I just wanted to run.

  The sun slanted into the car and I pulled down the visor. It helped, but I still had to squint, and the windshield was covered in splattered bugs, making it worse. But at least there wasn’t too much traffic. We would make the sunset.

  Avery …

  “I promise.”

  Promise you’ll go after your dreams. Decide who you want to be. Go live. Go all in. Put all your chips in and go for it. That’s what I want you to promise me.

  A horn startled me. I’d been drifting on the road. Seeing a turnout, I pulled off, rolled to a stop and laid my forehead on the steering wheel.

  “I can’t picture anything past tomorrow. I don’t know how to promise you anything like that.”

  Of course you do. You had big dreams before. Remember? You’re going to make it. You’re going to write meaningful things that help people. You have a tomorrow, babe. Promise!

  “Okay, I promise.”

  Let’s get going. Just one thing at a time.

  I pulled in a long breath as I put the car back into drive. We shared the quietness, just feeling each other, while I drove.

  Maybe I was wrong about Kristina. I might have caused you more pain and problems by saying anything.

  “Well, she admitted she stole him,” I said. “But I don’t care about that.”

  She’ll come around. At some point, she’ll see his true colors. She’ll be ready to talk.

  He was right. If this didn’t convince her about Kyle’s character, something else would. She couldn’t stay blind forever. That didn’t mean she’d forgive me, but then again, it might.

  ***

  We pulled into a parking lot on the beach at five thirty-eight.

  Wait!

  “What?”

  Look in the mirror.

  Couldn’t we do that later? Surely we’d get a chance to come back to the car for that. The sun was slipping behind a cloud. There were only minutes left before it sank beyond the water.

  Please, look for me.

  “Okay, all right.” I sighed, faking irritation and leaned over to look in the rearview mirror at myself. Holding still wasn’t easy, especially as he took in my eyes and face. We stared, eye to eye, until a family ran to the one other car in the lot.

  “Let’s go watch the sunset.”

  Grab the guitar!

  “Yes, sir.”

  The sun glowed through the clouds, sending out beams of bright yellow love our way as I hurried down to the sand, passing the guitar from hand to hand to pull on my blue windbreaker. We passed the tall grass for a full, clear view of sand, ocean and glorious backlit clouds. The ocean sang out and its scent carried thick on the air. I pulled in as much air as I could, pretending that I could make all of this part of me.

  It’s breathtaking.

  “And it’s just us today.” Wiping the tears off my face, I pictured my hands wiping away all other distractions and worries. We sat down in the sand and burrowed back to make a seat. I pulled up my knees and wrapped my arms around them.

  You know, I’ve been meaning to tell you … I teased you about the high heel boots, but damn, you looked hot in them.

  “You could see that?”

  He laughed.

  I checked you out in every shiny surface I could find. Windows at the college. Store windows. Car doors. Mirrors. Everywhere. You’re so beautiful.

  Now I laughed.

  Ave, babe, if you believe anything I’ve told you, believe that. You’re a Tiger Lily. Unique. Special. Own it from now on.

  “I’ll try,” I whispered.

  There is no try! Do.

  “Okay, Master Yoda.”

  Bright light flooded over me as the sun peered out from behind the cloud on its downward trek. Gold shimmered across the blue ocean.

  Listen … I’m not sure how to say this the right way, but I’m sorry I messed up your relationship with Nash. I saw the way he looked at you, and I couldn’t handle it. I wanted you.

  I gave a sad laugh. “Forget about Nash.”

  That’s what I’m trying to tell you, babe. You don’t have to forget about him. Once I’m out of the picture—

  “Marcus, I don’t want to go there.”

  But we have to. At least I need to say a few things.

  I shivered, a shudder rather, from thinking about what lay ahead. “Okay.”

  It’s just, I don’t want to think about you being alone, not if you want someone in your life. Sounds crazy right this sec, I know, but bear with me. Like I said, I saw the way Nash looked at you, and I think you could fix things with him.

  That brought a long sigh. I shook my head and said, “I don’t want to leave things the way they are, but I don’t feel the same about him.”

  So maybe not Nash. I’ll admit I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t want to say anything mean, but I don’t think he’s the man for you. There’s someone out there that loves adventure and wants to go explore what life has to offer.

  “Someone like you.” Even as I said the words, I saw images flashing through my mind—images from Marcus—of me skiing, standing on the front of a white sailboat wearing a black bikini, walking through a crowd on a cobblestone street, rowing a canoe on a green river, kayaking on blue ocean waves … the scenes came faster and faster, showing me all the activities to do out there and places I could go.

  I’ve done so much in my life. I want to know you’ll go out and do all the things you’ve held back from.

  “I will.” And I would: that’s where I would go after this. I wouldn’t return to college until I’d gone out and done more with my life.

  Thank you for letting me be with you, Avery.

  “No, don’t talk like that—”

  Babe, I have to.

  “Then, thank you for being with me and showing me so much.”

  Tears came to my eyes again but I sighed them away. Not now. Tomorrow I would cry. I reached for the guitar, or rather Marcus did, and he started to play, strumming his song at first and some favorites I’d heard him play before.

  The sun slipped away, pulling the color and warmth with it, and leaving the cloudy sky a golden, milky shade that was quickly fading to violet, then purple, then blue. The blue darkened and stars lit up, and I shivered.

  Want to go back to the car?

  “No. I want to feel the cold.”

  You need to eat something too. You’ve been running yourself ragged, Ave. You gotta take care of yourself.

  “I will. Later. I promise. I have time for that tomorrow.” My voice cracked. How could I think about eating or sleeping or going on? I’d pr
omised myself I wouldn’t tonight. Instead I’d imagine Marcus here with me, his arm across my shoulder, his body heat keeping me warm.

  Light caught my eye, over on the horizon. A glowing white sliver of moon crept up, sending a gentle beam across the ocean toward us.

  “Tell me something naughty in French.”

  Je t'aime.

  “That’s …” I hardly knew a lick of French but that was something I’d come across. Unless I was wrong.

  No, you’re right. I love you, Avery.

  “I love you.” For so many reasons. And so many ways. Beyond words and anything explainable, I felt a wholeness and rightness about him, and about me because of him.

  We watched the quarter moon rise, lighting the waves and beach in silver light. When it was high in the sky, I lay down pulling sand up against me, and listened to the waves and night sounds all around me.

  “Remember when I saw you in the car, the first time?” I asked, a half whisper caught up in the breeze above me.

  Of course.

  “I could feel you. See you.” I closed my eyes and searched around for him … he was looking at me, reaching for me, his fingers barely touching my face. Just a light touch that almost tickled. We remembered talking in the car together, and when I took a bath and he was there. His heat did keep me warm.

  When the sky started to lighten in the early morning, I held on tighter.

  What if …

  What if his parents ended life support, but I could hang onto him? Keep him here with me?

  Marcus heard my thoughts. We thought about it together. Wasn’t it as logical as any other part of this? Why couldn’t it work?

  “Would you want that life?” I asked out loud.

  He didn’t answer in words but I felt him hang onto me tighter, surrounding me. Falling … I fell and fell, into him. I closed my eyes, living in the feeling of him, letting myself be nothing but a thought, like him.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  My phone woke me up.

  No.

  Daylight pressed down on me. The wind, harsher now, blew sand into my eyes. How had I fallen asleep?