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  Was that only a week ago?

  A week since his brother died and his wife asked for a divorce?

  Trey stopped at the end of the jetty, startled to find himself there. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember turning onto the jetty in the first place. The ocean moved on both sides of him, slapping the rocks. It was time to turn around, or past time, but he kept watching the waves reach up and the sunlight turn the water green; then each wave would crash with magnificent anger onto the sand.

  ~ ~ ~

  Rosette paused in the middle of the walk-in closet, looking down at the dusty suitcase. She’d walked in here at least ten times and stared at it, thinking about picking it up and packing. That was before they’d gotten the call about Ricky, of course. Once that happened, she knew she couldn’t just up and leave. But who was she kidding? There was no way she could simply pack a suitcase and solve things. What would she do, pack up the kids and take them with her? Leave them here with Trey? How would she explain all this to them in the first place?

  She batted a tear off her cheek and set her mouth. This wasn’t a time for weakness. Instead of giving into the tears and the urge to crawl into bed and hide, she impatiently pulled her black suit off the hanger and got dressed for the funeral. When she left the bedroom, the house was quiet. No TV. No fighting kids. No teenager talking on the phone. The silence gave her the heebie-jeebies.

  She wondered if everyone was outside, but as she walked down the hallway, she saw Candice and Jake playing together in Jake’s room, dressed in the church clothes she’d laid out last night for them. Even with the door open, they weren’t making any noise. Though Candice was seven and Jake was five, they were the same size. Jake wasn’t overly tall for his five years, but Candice had always been small because she was born early. With the same dark hair, they looked like twins. Watching them made her heart warm with love and pride, but it was tinged with the pain of knowing the recent deaths had already eroded their innocence, and now she was thinking about splitting apart their family.

  Rosette had painted Jake’s room blue, and Trey had picked out the sports-themed accents. It’d really touched her when Trey had joined in and taken such a big part in decorating. Candice had a light pink room, dotted with Precious Moments figures, but she would have probably preferred an outdoor theme, if she’d picked it out herself. Rosette hadn’t planned on such a free-spirited, nature child—not that she’d change her daughter for anything.

  She didn’t pause long enough in the doorway to see what kind of game they were playing. There was a jumble of action figures and Barbie dolls on the bedroom floor. Somehow they knew to get along today. They didn’t notice her, so she left them alone and started for the stairs.

  She found Alex downstairs, sitting on the sofa in the living room, bent over with his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. He was staring at the big window, but he wasn’t looking at the view of the ocean. He wasn’t even there, not mentally.

  Trey was nowhere to be seen. Must be nice to be numb all the time. She was drowning in emotion and felt pulled away from the kids and Alex, and certainly Trey. How could she help any of them while falling apart herself?

  They had an hour till the funeral. She poured another cup of coffee, stared at the breakfast dishes, and thought about all the things they’d need to do later today and this week. Well, at least a list was something she could manage.

  ~ ~ ~

  “Ricky loved to laugh, and he would want us to remember him that way.”

  This could have been any Saturday on the calendar, but this one would stick in Trey’s mind for a very long time. The rain still hadn’t come, as if the sky were holding its breath along with him. What they were waiting for, he wasn’t sure. There wasn’t going to be a phone call announcing that it was all a mistake, that Ricky was alive and well.

  Trey and Rosette sat on the padded church pew with Candice and Jake between them. Alex sat on Trey’s other side, looking down. They surrounded Amanda along with her close friends. Summer, Amanda’s sister, sat rigidly on her right side. The two looked so much alike with their golden hair and sweet faces. They didn’t both inherit the same sweet personality, however. Summer might as well have been named Trouble.

  Not that Trey’s life was perfect, not by a long shot, and he hated passing judgment on people. He might not be a hell raiser, but he was on the brink of letting everyone down. Maybe he already had. As far as he knew, no one else was aware of their marriage problems and especially not the recent divorce development. That almost didn’t matter today.

  He looked at his pregnant sister-in-law, dressed in black over her swollen belly, and once again wondered how life could be so cruel. What would Amanda do now?

  And Ricky. What would they do without Ricky?

  He and Ricky had always been rivals. Trey was the firstborn, Jonathan Trevor Sinclair the third, so his little brother had always felt second best. It wasn’t the truth. Sometimes Trey felt like he had to be upstanding and responsible while Ricky got to be fun. Ricky was contagious—people inherently liked him. Trey and Ricky were teenagers when their parents had had a surprise third baby. Their brother Alex was almost like a nephew to them. Life was good until their mom died. Later they lost their dad too.

  He’d give anything to have his parents here with them. On the other hand, it’d break both his parents’ hearts to lose Ricky and to hear how Trey’s life was turning out. Maybe it was a blessing that Mom and Dad weren’t here for this.

  Trey had joined the Navy because he wanted something different. Now he couldn’t say what that was, but he’d wanted to go off somewhere. His grandfather and father both had been in the Coast Guard, and everyone was proud of that tradition. Then, Ricky had followed Trey’s lead of doing something else and joined the Marines. He could still hear his mother telling them, “But the Coast Guard doesn’t go off to war! They serve here at home, keeping people safe.”

  Now Ricky was dead, and Trey’s life was a mess.

  Chapter Two

  How do you say goodbye? They sat together in the long pew, dressed in black, listening to people talk about Ricky, but Rosette didn’t think this would give her any closure. It was so weird to think you wouldn’t see someone again. It almost didn’t feel real, until she heard Amanda crying.

  Oh, Ricky, she thought, you’ll never hold your newborn baby.

  She thought of Ricky’s laugh, his bright eyes, and the way his dimples and cleft chin gave his face such character. Trey and Ricky looked a lot alike, but they carried the features differently. Ricky was the funny guy who entertained everyone. Trey had a sense of humor, too, but he was quieter in groups. He made sure everything was taken care of. She glanced at Trey, her husband for at least for a while longer, with his straight, military posture and closed face. Some might think he was emotionless. She knew he was holding onto his emotions as tightly as he could. His father—the first Jonathan Trevor Sinclair—had put a heavy load on Trey. She had worried when they finally agreed to pass the name down to their own son, so she’d insisted they call him Jake. That was an easy name, but strong.

  Jake and Candice, sitting between her and Trey, occasionally looked up to one of their parents. The kids didn’t know what to think. She was holding back her tears, too, just like Trey, hoping to ease the kids’ anxieties.

  She looked over her kids’ heads at her husband. Trey, I need you. In her heart, all this stripped away their stupid problems, and she just wanted to hold him and feel him hold her. But life wasn’t mirroring what she felt, and the two of them interacted through thick, foggy glass.

  Her eyes passed over the large photograph displayed up front, and suddenly a purposely buried memory pushed to the front of her mind, one of Ricky’s face in the half shadows. It was late at night, at a family party at the house, when everyone had gotten together on a summer night. She’d had at least two drinks, maybe two and a half, and that was well beyond her limit. Ricky must have had one too many too. They were laughing in the kitchen by thems
elves one second and kissing the next. It was hot and heavy for a minute before they broke apart, laughing. They’d laughed the whole thing off, actually, and never mentioned it again.

  She glanced over at Trey. He sent a rare look her way. At least, those looks were rare these days. They barely met each other’s eyes before looking away. They had walked in together, him holding Jake’s hand, and she holding Candice’s. No one seemed to notice if they showed any stiffness toward each other.

  What if she were saying goodbye to her marriage too? Trey’s family might not be her family any more. A sob overtook her, like a hiccup. She had a tissue ready and covered her mouth, struggling to stay in control.

  The service finally finished and everyone began to talk. To hug. To reassure others that life would go on. So many faces were friends that had gone all the way through school with Rosette and the Sinclair brothers. Her best friend Angel came over, and it hit her that Ricky had been not only a brother but also a best friend to Trey.

  “Are you okay?” Angel asked. “I mean, really okay?” She spoke quietly, next to Rosette’s ear. Angel’s hair was down for once, and the change startled Rosette. Everything seemed different.

  “I’m holding up.” She met her friend’s brown eyes, thankful for the support, but also knowing she was holding back. She always had on this topic. Somehow Angel knew that, and she tilted her head, studying Rosette for a minute.

  “I’ll come over this week, okay?”

  Rosette nodded and Angel accepted that. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t talk about it here. She’d been so careful to keep her marriage problems private. Even thinking about sharing made her feel guilty, like she would be stabbing Trey in the back.

  Out of all the things to notice at the funeral, Rosette noticed how good Amanda looked, even at a time like this. It wasn’t like Amanda had tried, but she was just so beautiful, even with black eyeliner smudged around her eyes and tears wiped every which way across her face. Honey blond hair and big blue eyes. She was swollen from the pregnancy, even her face, but not even that looked bad on her.

  Amanda’s sister Summer stayed by her side—a slimmer version with the same pretty face. Summer’s hair was just a bit darker, but it too fell in loose, shiny curls. The younger girl had been in a lot of trouble—in prison even—but she had moved in with Amanda and Ricky just a few months ago, and had seemed to truly help her sister during this last difficult week. Thank goodness for small miracles.

  Rosette hugged Amanda for a long minute, then she leaned down and touched her face to Amanda’s rounded stomach. “Hi, baby.”

  Poor baby. The child wouldn’t even understand the loss for years to come, but when understanding did dawn, it would be heartbreaking.

  Other people might be asking if Amanda had thought about names yet, but Rosette knew Amanda would avoid the task with a vengeance. Ricky had pleaded with Amanda to wait until he was home so they could pick the name out together. He was over-the-top excited about being a part of the process. Now…well, naming the baby wasn’t something she was supposed to do on her own.

  To Amanda she said, “I’ll be here for you, no matter what you need.”

  Amanda nodded, wiping at her nose. She started to speak and ended with a gulping noise and sad smile. Some things are said with the heart, not words. They turned and walked out of the building together with Rosette’s arm around Amanda. She sincerely meant her promise to her sister-in-law, but suddenly she wondered—what would happen to her family relationships after a divorce?

  Rosette had wanted a big family. She was so excited to be pregnant for the first time and kept that enthusiasm throughout the horrible morning sickness. Then came the complications, the bed rest, and the worry. The worst part came when their little girl was born almost two months early. Ever since then, Rosette wondered if her premature birth had caused Candice’s health issues, or if her daughter was simply inclined to sickness. Everyone told her the second pregnancy would be easier. For most, it is. But not for her. She’d had morning sickness and required bed rest again. At least with Jake, she’d carried him to full term. Well, eight and a half months. He was healthy as a horse, as they say, just like his dad.

  Trey didn’t want more kids after that. Rosette still did, but she didn’t want to go through another difficult pregnancy, so she’d agreed. When she discovered she was pregnant again two years later, Trey accused her of trying to get pregnant behind his back. That wasn’t the case at all. She was terrified. Then she’d miscarried. In a way, that solved the entire problem. Yet, in another way, it caused so many more.

  ~ ~ ~

  It felt odd and wrong, but life had to go on. Rosette had made arrangements with friends to take food to Amanda and check in on her. They had stayed with Amanda for most of the day, until Amanda had about collapsed. Summer was there with her, so Rosette didn’t stay. She had offered though. The rain had broken loose on the way home, making up for the previous dry days. The world outside was dark and gray—colorless, like they felt.

  Now Rosette had to take care of her family. She had store-bought pizza in the freezer, a small gluten-free one for Candice, a Hawaiian for Alex and Jake, and chicken garlic for her and Trey, although she liked Hawaiian just as much.

  While the pizza was baking, she leaned back on the counter and looked at the calendar. They had one week of school left before spring break, and Alex had asked to stay home. He acted like he was doing okay, so it was an odd request. But she couldn’t tell him no, not after he’d lost his brother. What if he was holding it all inside? Or what if he felt like he needed to help them? Alex was prone to that. They relied on him, probably more than they should. She wasn’t sure what to think, so of course she was over analyzing it. At least if he stayed home, they could talk.

  Candice was in first grade, and Jake went to preschool on Monday and Wednesday. She’d signed up him last fall because he had wanted so badly to go to school like Candice. He loved every minute of it.

  Maybe it would be better for the little kids if they went back to school. They’d have their familiar schedules that way and could see friends. She would ask Trey—on second thought, that decision could wait a while.

  It was just over a week until Alex’s birthday. That was bad timing… Somehow she wanted to make it special for him. He was turning sixteen, and they had planned on doing something big during spring break for him. Had planned.

  It was also one month until Amanda’s due date. Amanda had the room decorated, the crib set up, and unisex clothes all ready. They had chosen not to find out the baby’s sex, although the doctor knew. Amanda just needed her baby to come. Up until a few days ago, she had just needed Ricky to get home, and then the baby to come.

  Rosette had trouble wrapping her head around it. They had all been so excited about seeing Ricky again, and the baby. Now she almost dreaded the arrival of their baby, simply because it’d be so hard. The thought made her stomach twist.

  The oven buzzed. Her family was hungry, and she had things to do.

  After dinner, she read to the kids and put them to bed, then cleaned the kitchen. There were two loads of laundry to fold and another several days’ worth to wash, but she took one look in the laundry room and thought, screw it. She headed to the bathroom and ran a bath, adding orange-scented bath salts and lighting a couple scented candles. The weather on the Oregon coast can chill you for most of the year, and she took her bath time seriously. She retreated to the tub when life felt too hectic or stressful, and it usually cleared her mind. She rationalized it with the plan to think things out while soaking in the hot water, but instead she always found herself daydreaming or falling halfway asleep.

  This time her mind strayed to Trey and everything they were going through. They had decided this was it. She held out hope that it was just words, but he hadn’t looked her in the eye since then. They were simply pretending for a few days for the kids. But when would they tell them? What would they say? She couldn’t imagine splitting parenting time with Trey… Alex
was another story. He would probably live with Trey all the time, and she might not even get to see him.

  She couldn’t think like this and still breathe. Still live. It made her stomach fold in on itself and her blood seemed to evaporate from her body, leaving her feeling a hundred years old. How had things gotten to this point?

  They had made it through the “seven-year itch.” Or maybe, for them, it was a ten-year itch, and they wouldn’t make it. She could see the gradual decline in both their communication and their love throughout their marriage, but it still shocked her to the core to wake up here—at the brink of ripping it all apart.

  They had both grown up here in Coos Bay and had even been friends of sorts all through school. They’d taken drama together in high school and joked around all the time. People had asked her if she liked him, and she later learned he got the same question. They didn’t go out, though. Instead they went out with a group of friends, and they both had typical, short teenage relationships with others.

  But, as she learned later, it turned out he was in love with her. He even wrote love poems about her in a notebook that he’d kept hidden under his mattress. Trey assumed she had to like his brother, like everyone else did. That’s what he told her.

  She’d always thought Trey was good looking. Ricky was too, but Ricky was also a bit loud. He had to be the life of the party.

  They kept in touch while she went to college and Trey went through basic training. Then, everything changed when he came home on leave in the summer of 2002.

  Trey came back different. In a good way. People say the military makes men out of boys, and in a way it was true for Trey. He was quiet when he left. The girls always liked him—thought he was handsome and mysterious. But when he came back, he carried himself differently. He was still quieter than Ricky, but he spoke his mind.